Life Stands Still 1/26/09 - 1/30/09

Okay, I don't know where to start. This week has been so overwhelming for some reason. It could be because I went to practice Monday through Friday, 3-6 each day. Talk about a daily grind. Or, it could be that it is the first week of the 2nd semester. For some reason, teachers decided to mix up their teaching methods and lesson plans, so maybe I was thrown off a bit.

On the other hand, it could be because of today. Today, my dad's wife's brother's son called at around 7 pm. He sounded upset and asked to talk to my mom. Within an hour, my mom came to my room and told me that she had some bad news. My heart stopped. More bad news? Everytime I hear bad news from my mom, I associate it with a relative dying. I really did not want to hear another relative of mine dying. It has devasting enough when I found out that my grandfather died. However, I found out that my life died. My dad's wife's brother's son has been helping my family get a greencard for the past 16 years when my mother, my father, and I arrived in America in 1992. Through a mutual agreement, my dad's wife's brother's son agreed to sign papers to verify to the immigration department that my mom worked at his restaurant in Thousand Oaks as a "chef assistant".

A little background, there are many paths to get a green card. One - you can marry a citizen of the United States (probably the easiest way). Two - you can be a really successful entrepreneur and start your own business here in America. Three - you can be a reowned professor and agree to teach at a school in America. Four - you can work in America for a legal employer and tell your employer to vouch for you that you are a good, hard worker and should be given a greencard to make a living in America.

My mom chose option four. However, the immigration department has not given my mom her greencard for the past 16 years - insisting that her case was still pending. However, my mom obtained a "labor certificate" to show that she was working in America and that she was on track. Then, at the end of 2008, my mom and I received "Employment Authorization Cards" to give legal proof that my mom and I could legally work in the United States.

This was a godsend for me because this meant that I could apply for a driver's license. So I obtained my permit in the summer of 2008 and I waited until my 18th birthday (next tuesday) to get my driver's license. Also, my Employment Authorization Card was one step for me to show that I am a legal immigrant in the United States and that I am not illegal, and thus, I could show colleges, employment locations, and the immigration department that I was registered with the United States government and that I could work and make a living, legally.

Back to the bad news, my dad's wife's brother's son told my mom that the immigration department sent him a letter today saying that they entirely denied my mother's case. This means that, after 16 fucking years, they finally made up their mind to deny her case. This means that, no more employment authorization cards and NO HOPE AT ALL for my parents and I to obtain greencards.

My father's case was already denied 3 years ago, after 16 years also. They told him that his case was denied. He then went to Asylum where immigrants to America apply to seek "refuge" from their native countries. For example, when Chinese students protested against the Chinese government in Tiananmen square, those students who immigrated to America could apply for "Asylum" for the reason that they needed "refuge" from being prosecuted by the Chinese government. Thus, they would obtain greencards.

For my father, he was jailed by the communist party in the 1950-1960s for communicating with America at the time. Thus, he applied to Asylum because he was wrongly jailed by China and thus moved to America to seek refuge. However, he was supposed to apply for Asylum within 6 months when he first moved to America. He didn't apply. He didn't apply because he was offered a temporary green card because he was an entrepreneur and he opened his own helicopter company, Brantley. However, his company went bankrupt and he lost his chance at a greencard along with asylum. So, his case was finally closed and denied 3 years ago.

Now, where do I stand? I am turning 18 years old. I have lost my chance at obtaining my driver's license by getting my employment authorization card revoked because of my mom's case being denied. I cannot apply for financial aid because I do not have a greencard. Both of my parents do not work so they have to rely on interest rates to pay for our living expenses. Interest rates are at an all-time low of 1% due to the poor economy trying to motivate Americans to buy homes. My parents make less than $20,000 dollars a year now from $40,000 before this whole economic crisis.

College is coming up. College expenses are rising. I cannot apply to 99% of scholarships because I am not a citizen, permanent resident, and do not have a greencard. I cannot get grants because of the same reasons. I cannot get financial aid, despite my low-income, for the same reasons. UC Tuition is about $25,000 per year. That means my parents and I have to foot that bill, without any financial aid. Fuck my life. I don't understand why I am in this predicament. Have I done something wrong in my life? Have I wronged someone? Is God angry with me?

Right now, my life has hit rock bottom. My mom told me that she does not want me to stay here anymore. There is no reason, if you think about it. I cannot work, college is too expensive, I cannot drive or live independently, legally or financially. It is the worst for my parents because they have lived in the United States for almost 17 years now and they have not done anything wrong. They have not commited a crime and they have only supported my sister and I through school. And now, they get a decision from the immigration department, that their case is fucking closed? FUCK YOU AMERICA.

Honestly, there is nothing to do except to take this complicated and frustrating situation into my own hands, now that I am turning 18. I have to make the decision. Do I stay here and suffer immensely? Do I move to Uruguay, where I was born and where I can live life as an actual citizen with some fucking rights? Do I move back to China with my parents and go to college there? Is my life here in America over? I have been struggling with this notion for my entire life. At any point, I can say, "that is it." and move away from Rowland Heights, from America. Nothing is working.

Honestly, what do I do? My parents cannot afford college here. Nor do I want to go to Mt. Sac, which is more financially affordable, after taking honors since elementary school. But, UC and private college education is too costly for my situation. The only reason people can afford UC and private college education is because of, part-time jobs, grants, scholarships, and financial aid. GUESS WHAT? I can't get any of those. FML.

So what do I do? Is there a point anymore? Do I give up right now? Do I pretend that everything is alright when obviously it isn't? So much for a HAPPY 18th birthday. I will celebrate inheriting this immigration mess from my parents. I will celebrate living in America, going to college, having no job, having no help from the government - in a time when help is needed most. What am I doing? Where do I stand? AND I FUCKING SWEAR, YOU BITCHES OUT THERE, DON'T LOOK AT THIS AS AMUSING. BECAUSE, GOD HELP YOU THAT YOU DON'T GET AN OUNCE OF WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH DAY BY DAY.

It makes my blood boil when people disrespect or mistreat me. Not only is it a direct insult to why I'm even here in America, but it is purely inhumane. Honestly, if you people want to act immaturely and disrespect me, I have no problem, just leaving. I don't deserve that. I don't take that. God will vouch for me that I am working for a hard-working and honest life. Don't slow me down if that is not your goal or purpose in life. Don't influence me if you people want to just live with sin. Honestly, I see you people. You people constantly disrespect and take everything for granted, thinking that the whole world revolves around you. Guess what, I am your living proof that life isn't dainty and that life isn't all about you. I forgive you people for your imperfections, I just wish you would at least realize and open your eyes that some people in this world, like me, suffer enough to be disrespected like that.

This blog is aimless. I don't know where I am going. I am spiraling out of control. What is the point of school anymore? What is the point of swimming anymore? What is the point of college anymore? How can I fight through obstacles when you have stripped me of all of my dignity and weapons? How do I go on without hope?

Honestly, right now, I don't want to hear, "it will be okay" or "don't worry, something will pull through". I don't even want to hear anything. I want to see concrete, solid hope. I want to see a scholarship, I want to see hope. I want a greencard. I want a job. I want a chance at life. This isn't fair.